A people pleaser is someone who habitually puts others’ needs and desires ahead of their own, often to the detriment of their own well-being.

Recognizing the signs of being a people pleaser can be the first step toward understanding and changing this behaviour, and ultimately boosting self-worth and mental well-being.

12 signs of people pleasing

While people-pleasing behaviour is coloured by our own experiences and environments, there are some common factors and signs for all people-pleasers. It’s not a tick-all-the-boxes experience – few people will struggle with every single one of the signs below.

But the signs below cover the common behaviours and tendencies of people who struggle to set personal boundaries out of fear of rejection or conflict – aka, people pleasers.

1. Difficulty saying no: You often struggle to refuse requests or decline invitations, even when you’re overextended or uninterested.
2. Excessive apologising: You tend to apologise frequently, even for things that are not your fault or beyond your control; this typically stems from a fear of disapproval or a desire to be seen as accommodating.
3. Overcommitting: You often take on more than you can handle because you find it difficult to turn down tasks or opportunities to help others. Over time, this can lead to stress and burnout.
4. Avoiding conflict: You go to great lengths to avoid disagreements or confrontations, often at the cost of your own preferences or beliefs. You might feel this is a part of your easy-going personality, but you may also feel vague resentment or exhaustion towards others who make the decisions.
5. Lacking personal boundaries: You may have blurred or weak personal boundaries, allowing others to impose on you time and energy.
6. Struggling with low self-esteem: You may derive your self-worth in part or wholly from others’ approval and validation. Perhaps you believe people will only like you or care about you if you are useful to them.
7. Seeking validation: Your self-esteem may heavily rely on approval and validation from others. This may leave you vulnerable to being manipulated or being taken for granted.
8. Neglecting self-care: You may prioritise others’ requests to such an extent that you neglect your own needs, including health (mental and physical), hobbies and leisure, and personal growth.
9. Feeling responsible for others’ emotions: You often feel it’s your fault if someone else is unhappy or frustrated, or you may take on responsibility to make sure everyone else is happy. Often, this requires sacrificing your own happiness or self-care.
10. Difficulty accepting when people don’t like you: You may spend time ruminating or dwelling on past situations which might have caused the other person’s dislike and considering how you could have acted differently to make them like you. Or perhaps you feel worried and nervous about your next meeting and plan ways of winning them over.
11. Difficulty expressing personal needs or desires: You may suppress your own needs and desires, fearing that asserting yourself might upset others. You may tell yourself the things you want or need are not that big of a deal, or excuse others for not meeting your needs or desires.
12. Feeling guilty when prioritising yourself: On the rare occasions when you do put your needs or wishes first, you may feel intense guilt or anxiety about being perceived as selfish. Perhaps you keep reminding yourself it’s okay to be doing what you’re doing, or you cut short your activity.

Why you might be people-pleasing

People-pleasing behaviours often originate in childhood. Children who receive approval from their caregivers based on their achievements or compliance may learn to associate their self-worth with pleasing others; this approval may have looked like consistent praise for being flexible or easy-going, or punishment for not adhering to a caregiver’s plans. 

Sometimes, negative childhood experiences with peer groups may contribute to people-pleasing behaviour later in life. Essentially, people-pleasing is a coping mechanism, a pattern of behaviour that helped us to access the most love and support available to us in childhood.

As people-pleasing tendencies develop, they can be further reinforced by societal and cultural expectations that emphasise self-sacrifice and conformity over individual needs and desires.

Such forces during a person’s formative years can lead to difficulty saying ‘no’ in specific or various contexts in adulthood. Ultimately, people-pleasing is a struggle to set boundaries that protect your own well-being.

How people-pleasing affects mental health

The constant need to please others can lead to significant mental health struggles, including anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem. People pleasers might suppress their emotions and ignore their needs, leading to emotional exhaustion and resentment over time. The fear of rejection or conflict keeps them in a cycle of seeking validation from others, which can be both draining and unsustainable.

Recognizing these signs in oneself or others can be an important step in beginning to set healthier boundaries and adopt a more balanced approach to interpersonal relationships.

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SOURCES

• • Deng, Y., Wang, S., Leng, L., Chen, H., Yang, T., & Liu, X. (2019). Pleasing or withdrawing: Differences between dependent and self-critical depression in psychosocial functioning following rejection. Personality and Individual Differences, 140, 4–9.
  • Tawwab, N. G. (2021). Set boundaries, find peace: A guide to reclaiming yourself. Little, Brown Book Group.

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Raksha Rajesh (M.Sc., M.Phil., CRR No. A80195) is a clinical psychologist licensed by the Rehabilitation Council of India (RCI). She has 6+ years of experience in helping people from diverse backgrounds build skills to understand and manage their emotions.

Humans by nature crave social connections, and it’s natural to want to keep those people happy and the relationships positive. But people-pleasing takes that natural tendency to the next level – with serious effects on mental health.

People pleasing means prioritising the happiness and approval of others over your own needs and desires. Essentially, this tendency reflects a struggle to set personal boundaries that protect your own well-being.

While being helpful and accommodating can be positive qualities, being unable to say ‘no’ to others often stems from a deeper fear of rejection or conflict, ultimately affecting one’s mental health.

What people-pleasing behaviour looks like

Many of us identify as people-pleasers – we want our loved ones and the people in our general orbit to be happy and comfortable.

But people-pleasing goes beyond this simple desire. Here are two examples of how people-pleasing behaviour plays out:

Example 1: Supriya consistently stays late at work to help her colleagues, even when she has her own deadlines to meet. She often cancels personal obligations and plans to fulfil her co-workers’ requests because she fears that saying no would make her seem uncooperative or jeopardise her relationships at work.

Example 2: Tej always agrees with his friends’ choices, whether it’s about where to eat or what movie to watch, even if he prefers something else. He worries that expressing his true preferences might upset them, cause them to dislike him, or make him seem difficult.

6 steps to stop people-pleasing

Taking these steps can be difficult — and none of them can be done overnight. But by making small, consistent efforts and remaining persistent after setbacks, you can reduce people-pleasing tendencies and enjoy better mental well-being.

1. Recognize the behaviour: The first step in reducing people-pleasing tendencies is to recognize them. Acknowledge the moments when you’re sacrificing your own needs for the sake of others’ approval. Look for patterns; these moments may not seem significant in isolation, but may, over time, lead to vague feelings of resentment or frustration.
2. Set boundaries: Think of various interpersonal contexts – e.g. work, friendships, romantic relationships, parental relationships, etc. – and ask yourself – what needs to change for me to feel more confident and at peace? How can I set limits on my own behaviour and actions to create these changes? It’s not selfish or wrong to prioritise your own well-being and values.
3. Accept when you’re not responsible: We are not responsible for others’ emotions, happiness, or goals. We can only be true to ourselves and respectful of others; whether or not our actions please them, or whether they can remain happy and in a loving relationship after a boundary has been drawn, is their choice.
4. Start small: Begin with small changes, like expressing your preference in a low-stakes situation, and gradually build up your confidence to assert yourself more often and in more fundamental ways.
5. Practice self-compassion: Treat yourself with kindness and recognize that your needs are just as important as those of others. Try not to judge or criticise yourself for struggling to set boundaries. It’s not easy to break patterns of behaviour, people-pleasing included. Take one step, one relationship at a time.
6. Seek support: Therapy, whether digital or in-person sessions, can help you understand the roots of your people-pleasing behaviour and develop specific strategies to change this pattern.

By understanding and addressing our people-pleasing behaviours, we can work towards healthier relationships and improved mental well-being. The journey to leave behind people-pleasing is ultimately one of recognising your worth, asserting your needs, and finding a balance between kindness to others and to yourself. It can be a difficult journey – but it’s always worthwhile.

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SOURCES

• Deng, Y., Wang, S., Leng, L., Chen, H., Yang, T., & Liu, X. (2019). Pleasing or withdrawing: Differences between dependent and self-critical depression in psychosocial functioning following rejection. Personality and Individual Differences, 140, 4–9.
• Tawwab, N. G. (2021). Set boundaries, find peace: A guide to reclaiming yourself. Little, Brown Book Group.

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Raksha Rajesh (M.Sc., M.Phil., CRR No. A80195) is a clinical psychologist licensed by the Rehabilitation Council of India (RCI). She has 6+ years of experience in helping people from diverse backgrounds build skills to understand and manage their emotions.

Setting boundaries with friends is crucial for maintaining healthy, balanced relationships and ensuring your own well-being. It allows you to communicate your needs and limits clearly, fostering mutual respect and understanding that can sustain and nurture a friendship. 

However, many people struggle with setting boundaries for fear of seeming rude. Read on to learn how to set boundaries effectively with friends, including practical examples and tips for doing so with kindness and confidence.

Understanding boundaries

Boundaries are essential guidelines we set for ourselves – not for others – to maintain a healthy balance between different aspects of our lives. They establish limits on our own behaviour, protect our emotional well-being, and ensure respectful, mutually beneficial relationships. Boundaries are particularly important for anyone prone to stress, anxiety, or who has experienced emotional exhaustion or burnout.

Examples of setting boundaries with friends

Boundaries in friendships define the behaviour, emotional support, time spent together, and personal space that nurture the relationship between friends. They clearly define what and how much we’re able to give to the friendship without sacrificing our own well-being.

Here are some examples of common boundaries with friends:

Time boundaries: Let’s say a friend often calls late at night to chat, but this interferes with your sleep. Setting a boundary might look like saying, “I love our late-night chats, but I need to get to bed earlier for my health. Can we catch up before 9 p.m. instead?”

Emotional support boundaries: If a friend consistently relies on you as their sole emotional support, it might become overwhelming. Without a boundary you might find your own mood affected by theirs or your schedule upended every time they face an emotional challenge and require support. 

You could set a boundary by expressing, “I care about you deeply, but I don’t think I’m providing the kind of support you need. It might be helpful to talk to a professional who can offer you the support you deserve.”

Personal space boundaries: If a friend has a habit of showing up unannounced, and you dislike it, you might need to set a boundary for your personal space. 

A gentle way to address this could be, “I really appreciate our time together, but I need some heads-up before you come over. Could you please call or text me first?”

Tips for setting boundaries with friends (without being rude)

Many people fear setting boundaries. They worry they will seem rude or hurt their friends’ feelings. But boundaries are important and healthy in a friendship; they protect each person’s well-being, promote better communication, and foster security in the friendship. 

That said, boundaries can be difficult to set with friends, especially with long-time friends who may be more like family. The following tips can help you do so without feeling rude or mean.

Use “I” statements: Frame your boundaries from your perspective to avoid sounding accusatory. This helps in expressing your needs while minimizing defensiveness from your friend. 

For example: “I know you’re going through financial difficulties, but I can’t afford to keep covering your rent. It’s affecting my own bank balance – I’m not saving very much each month, and I’m starting to worry about my future.”

Explain: Setting boundaries without explaining why you need them or how you’re affected without them makes it more likely your efforts will be seen as rude or uncaring. You may not need to go into great detail, depending on the degree of friendship, but explaining why you’re limiting your behaviour in regard to a friend can help them understand, appreciate, and respect the new boundaries.

For example: “I can be a better friend when you give me a head’s up before you come over. I can be more present for you. I get so frazzled by spontaneous drop-in that it takes me a while to calm down, relax, and focus my attention on you. I hate being with you while my mind is caught up in something else like that.”

Be direct but kind: Clarity is key in setting boundaries. Be straightforward about what you need, but do so with empathy and kindness to maintain the friendship’s positive aspects.

For example: “I want to share all of my life experiences with you; you’re my first call after something funny or upsetting happens. But I really struggle with sharing my belongings, because I’ve worked so hard to afford nice things. I can’t let you borrow my clothes anymore. I just get too stressed about it.” 

Reaffirm the relationship: Emphasize the value of your friendship and your desire to maintain it. This reassures your friend that setting boundaries isn’t a rejection but a way to enhance the relationship.

For example: “Bro, you know I love hanging out with you. But I’m trying to drink a little less and be more responsible. I don’t want to go to work hungover the next day anymore. Maybe we can do something besides happy hours?”

Practice self-compassion: Remind yourself that setting boundaries is an important form of self-care and not selfishness. 

For example: Say to yourself, “I have the right to protect my well-being, and doing so enables me to be a better friend in the long run.”

Expect some resistance: Change can be challenging, and even well-meaning and supportive friends may initially resist your new boundaries. Remain firm and compassionate in your stance, though be open to alternative ways to achieve your needs. With time, a true friend will respect and adapt to your boundaries.

Respect your friends’ boundaries in turn: Everyone has the right to set boundaries on friendships, and when you set yours, you may open the door to a friend recognising their needs and setting their own boundary in turn. As long as this isn’t about tit-for-tat, it’s healthier for both of you to reflect on your needs and how best to meet them.

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SOURCES

• Cloud, Henry. Townsend, John. “Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life.”
• Nash, Jo. “How to Set Healthy Boundaries & Build Positive Relationships.” (Positive Psychology)
• Paterson, Randy J. “The Assertiveness Workbook.”

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Vidula V Sawant (M.A., M.Phil., CRR No. A80980) is a clinical psychologist with 4+ years of experience and a passion for understanding the complexities of our minds and behaviours.

Deciding between therapy vs. psychiatry might seem like a difficult choice, but once you know more about each field, it becomes obvious that they’re helpful in very different ways. 

Therapy is provided by trained psychologists or therapists, while psychiatrists practice psychiatry. Both play crucial roles in fostering mental well-being, yet they differ in approach, methods, and sometimes, the issues they are best suited to address. 

Therapy vs psychiatry: How they differ

Therapy, also known as psychotherapy, focuses on providing a supportive environment where individuals can explore their thoughts, feelings, and behaviours, and learn skills and techniques to manage them. Therapists employ various strategies to help individuals understand and regulate difficult emotions, develop coping strategies, and work through life challenges or mental health issues.

Therapy can be short-term, addressing specific struggles, or longer-term, exploring deeper personal or psychological challenges. 

Therapy is also evidence-based, meaning it is rooted in scientific findings. The skills and strategies that therapists use to help people improve their mental and emotional well-being are subject to repeated evaluation by researchers before being applied in therapy sessions.

In India, counselling psychologists and clinical psychologists provide therapy; clinical psychologists can also diagnose mental health disorders and developmental disorders, but counselling psychologists cannot.

Counsellors may also advertise therapy services (typically for a specific challenge, like addiction, or relationship problems); however, the counselling field in India is highly unregulated and many have minimal to no credible training.

Psychiatry, on the other hand, is a field of medicine. Psychiatrists are medical doctors who specialise in diagnosing, treating, and preventing mental health disorders. Their training allows them to prescribe medication, perform medical tests, and recommend other biological treatments alongside or instead of therapy.

Psychiatry often focuses on managing mental health disorders from a medical standpoint, considering both biological and psychological components.

Therapy vs psychiatry: How they’re similar

Despite their differences, therapy and psychiatry share the common goal of improving mental well-being. Professionals in both fields can provide diagnoses and often work collaboratively to develop treatment plans tailored to shared patients. 

A holistic approach to mental health often involves both therapeutic and psychiatric elements, especially for conditions that benefit from a combination of medication and talking therapies.

Therapy vs psychiatry: When each are appropriate

Therapy is particularly effective for individuals dealing with emotional distress, life transitions, relationship issues, and specific mental health disorders like anxiety and depression.

It is best suited for those seeking to understand the root causes of their feelings or behaviors, develop healthier coping mechanisms, and improve their quality of life through guided self-exploration and skill development.

Psychiatry may be more appropriate for individuals experiencing severe mental health disorders that have a significant biological component, such as schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, or severe depression. These conditions may require medication to manage symptoms effectively, alongside therapy to address behavioral and emotional aspects.

But while distinct, therapy and psychiatry often work well together. Even when conditions do require medication, the person can still benefit from therapy once symptoms have stabilised. In such cases, therapy often aims at helping them establish a structure that supports better day-to-day functioning, preventing relapses, and strengthening their relationships.

Therapy vs psychiatry: Making the choice right for you

Choosing between therapy and psychiatry depends on individual needs. Some may benefit from therapy alone, while others might need the medical intervention that psychiatry offers. Many find a combined approach most effective, especially for complex or persistent mental health issues.

If in doubt of whether you need therapy or psychiatry services, consulting a clinical psychologist is a good place to start.

Clinical psychologists typically offer therapy and are also able to diagnose mental health disorders, refer patients to a psychiatrist if needed, and develop treatment plans that combine therapy with psychiatric care.

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ADDITIONAL READING

• Gaebel W, Zielasek J, Cleveland HR. Psychiatry as a medical specialty: challenges and opportunities. World Psychiatry. 2010 Feb;9(1):36-8. 
• Locher C, Meier S, Gaab J. Psychotherapy: A World of Meanings. Front Psychol. 2019 Mar 22;10:460. 
• Monsey MS. Introduction: how dysregulation of mental processes and behaviors lead to pathology. Yale J Biol Med. 2013 Jun;86(2):115-6.
• Psychotherapies (U.S. National Institute of Mental Health)

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Vidula V Sawant (M.A., M.Phil., CRR No. A80980) is a clinical psychologist with 4+ years of experience and a passion for understanding the complexities of our minds and behaviours.

Perfectionism might seem like a helpful trait, but it can actually be harmful. Perfectionism describes when a person always tries to be flawless, is very hard on themselves, and worries about what others think of them and their abilities. 

High expectations around school, career, and social success contribute to perfectionism in India. And while perfectionism can drive these kinds of achievements, it can also contribute significantly to mental health challenges along the way.

What is perfectionism?

Perfectionism means demanding perfect results from yourself (and sometimes others), where anything less than perfect feels like a failure.  It’s not just about setting high standards; it’s about an all-or-nothing approach to life. In other words, anything that is not perfect is a failure – there is no in-between or good enough.

This can look like spending too much time on tasks to make them error-free, not wanting to delegate work, and avoiding trying new things or pursuing new opportunities out of fear of failing. Perfectionists often fear mistakes, worry about others’ judgments, and feel nothing is good enough unless it’s flawless. 

What causes perfectionism?

Perfectionism develops from a blend of personality and environmental factors. 

Psychologically, it ties closely with personality traits like conscientiousness and neuroticism, which combine to make some people not only diligent and efficient but also prone to anxiety and worry. 

Perfectionism also depends on the environments we experienced while growing up. High expectations from parents, societal pressure, or past experiences where high achievement was rewarded or seen as a means to gain approval or avoid criticism are common factors in the development of perfectionism.

How does perfectionism affect mental health?

Perfectionism’s link to mental health is complex. It can lead to stress, anxiety, depression, and even eating disorders because perfectionists are never satisfied and always criticise themselves.

These mental health struggles can worsen their feelings of worthlessness and fear of mistakes. Perfectionists may become afraid of taking decisions or risks, thus stifling creativity.

What are the symptoms of perfectionism?

Recognizing perfectionism involves observing your behaviours as well as your thought patterns. Signs of being a perfectionist include:

• Worrying a lot over making mistakes or dwelling on past mistakes
• Procrastinating because you’re afraid you won’t do a task perfectly
• Feeling overwhelmed by or afraid of others’ judgement
• Never feeling satisfied with your work
• Setting impossibly high standards for yourself and others

How does perfectionism cause procrastination?

Contrary to popular belief, perfectionism and procrastination are intimately linked. The fear of not meeting your own high standards can lead to delaying tasks. For some perfectionists, this may manifest as never starting or avoiding certain types of projects or work. For others, procrastination might involve spending too much time planning the details of a task or project, thereby delaying its start.

This procrastination is not due to laziness. Instead, it’s a protective mechanism to avoid the potential pain of failure or criticism. But ultimately, procrastination leaves a perfectionist open to criticism from themselves and others, which they perceive as a failure, which feeds their own fear of failure and self-criticism, creating a cycle of stress and dissatisfaction. 

How does perfectionism affect self-confidence?

Perfectionists often struggle with low self-confidence, since they constantly feel inadequate for not meeting their own impossible standards. 

Their constant self-criticism and self-doubt get in the way of recognising their successes, which lowers their self-worth.

Article continues below.

How does perfectionism affect decision-making?

In decision-making, perfectionism causes ‘analysis paralysis,’ that is, a state of overthinking and second-guessing caused by the fear of making the wrong choice. This makes taking a decision very difficult. 

Perfectionists often conduct exhaustive research or seek overwhelming input during the decision-making process, in order to avoid potential mistakes. But this only delays action and fosters a state of anxiety and stress. The result is not just delayed decisions but also missed opportunities and diminished trust in their own judgement.  

What are the different types of perfectionism?

Perfectionism is not so clear-cut. It manifests differently for everyone. However, the behaviour and thought patterns of perfectionism do tend to fall into three groups, though many people struggle with more than one.

Self-oriented perfectionists, who set very high standards for themselves because they want to be perfect. They work very hard and are often too strict with themselves. 

Example: A student who spends hours studying for an exam, far beyond what is necessary. They are driven by an internal demand (or perhaps parental expectation) for a top grade.

Despite already being well-prepared, the student may feel compelled to review the material repeatedly, fearing that any grade less than perfect is a failure. This study comes at the cost of their mental health and social life, as the student sacrifices sleep, skips social events, and endures significant stress and anxiety to meet their own unrealistic goal.

Other-oriented perfectionists, who expect everyone else to be perfect. This can make their relationships difficult because partners may feel they are too demanding. 

Example: a team leader who expects flawless performance from their team members on every project. This leader meticulously reviews all work, pointing out even the smallest errors, and may redo tasks themselves if they’re not up to their personal standard of perfection.

They struggle to delegate responsibilities because they believe no one else can achieve the level of perfection they demand. This behaviour leads to frustration and demotivation among team members, who feel their efforts are never good enough.

Socially prescribed perfectionists, who feel like everyone expects them to be perfect. This pressure comes from believing others will judge or reject them if they’re not perfect. 

Example: A person who believes their family expects them to always look flawless and succeed in every aspect of life without showing any signs of struggle. This belief could lead them to spend hours perfecting their appearance and to hide any personal or professional challenges they’re facing.’

They might overwork themselves to achieve accolades and recognition, fearing criticism or rejection if they show any vulnerability. This constant pressure to meet perceived expectations can result in significant anxiety and stress, as they feel they’re constantly being evaluated and must not fall short of these external standards.

How can a perfectionist manage their tendencies?

Managing perfectionism requires self-reflection on both behaviour and thinking patterns. But it also requires:

• Setting realistic goals: Acknowledge your limits in a situation and set achievable standards from the start, for whatever you’re working towards.
• Embracing imperfection: Learn to view mistakes as opportunities for growth rather than signs of failure.
• Practising self-compassion: Treat yourself with kindness after a mistake, instead of criticising yourself harshly.
• Seeking support: Seek therapy. Therapy, whether via digital programs like Mitsu’s or in-person sessions, can provide strategies to manage perfectionistic tendencies, address their origins, and contain the effects of perfectionism on mental health.

Understanding and addressing perfectionism is the first step towards having a healthier outlook, achieving more balanced aspirations, and kickstarting personal and professional progress.

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SOURCES:

• “The Gifts of Imperfection” by Brené Brown
• Burcaş, S., Creţu, R.Z. Multidimensional Perfectionism and Test Anxiety: a Meta-analytic Review of Two Decades of Research. Educ Psychol Rev. 33, 249–273 (2021).
• Dorevitch B, Buck K, Fuller-Tyszkiewicz M, Phillips L, Krug I. Maladaptive Perfectionism and Depression: Testing the Mediating Role of Self-Esteem and Internalized Shame in an Australian Domestic and Asian International University Sample. Front Psychol. 2020 Jun 10;11:1272.
• Flett, G.L., Endler, N.S., Tassone, C. et al. Perfectionism and components of state and trait anxiety. Current Psychology. 13, 326–350 (1994). 
• Flett, G.L., Hewitt, P.L., Blankstein, K.R. et al. Perfectionism, life events, and depressive symptoms: A test of a diathesis-stress model. Current Psychology. 14, 112–137 (1995).
• Handley, A.K., Egan, S.J., Kane, R.T. et al. The relationships between perfectionism, pathological worry and generalised anxiety disorder. BMC Psychiatry. 14, 98 (2014).
• Hewitt, P. L., & Flett, G. L. Perfectionism and depression: A multidimensional analysis. Journal of Social Behavior & Personality. 5(5), 423–438. (1990).
• Kawamura, K.Y., Hunt, S.L., Frost, R.O. et al. Perfectionism, Anxiety, and Depression: Are the Relationships Independent? Cognitive Therapy and Research. 25, 291–301 (2001).
• Smith MM, Sherry SB, Ray C, Hewitt PL, Flett GL. Is perfectionism a vulnerability factor for depressive symptoms, a complication of depressive symptoms, or both? A meta-analytic test of 67 longitudinal studies. Clin Psychol Rev. 2021 Mar;84:101982.
• Stoeber, J., Feast, A.R., Hayward, J.A. Self-oriented and socially prescribed perfectionism: Differential relationships with intrinsic and extrinsic motivation and test anxiety. Personality and Individual Differences. Volume 47, Issue 5, 2009. Pages 423-428.

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Raksha Rajesh (M.Sc., M.Phil., CRR No. A80195) is a clinical psychologist licensed by the Rehabilitation Council of India (RCI). She has 6+ years of experience in helping people from diverse backgrounds build skills to understand and manage their emotions.

Stress is a universal experience; everyone encounters it in various forms throughout life. While it’s a common part of the human condition, understanding the different types of stress is crucial for effectively preserving our health. Because stress, in any form, and our ability to handle it, are the two factors with the most effect on our mental and physical well-being.

Each type of stress comes with its unique challenges, and recognizing them can pave the way for more targeted coping strategies.

1. Situational Stress

Situational stress is a response to specific events or situations. It can arise from a looming deadline, a challenging project, or unexpected life changes. 

To manage situational stress, breaking tasks into smaller, more manageable steps can make the situation feel less overwhelming. Creating a realistic timeline and seeking support from colleagues, friends, or family can also lighten the load.

2. Anticipatory Stress

Anticipatory stress is the anxiety we feel about future events. It often occurs when we’re anticipating something important or potentially challenging. 

To cope with anticipatory stress, focusing on what you can control, like preparation and planning, is key. Mindfulness and relaxation techniques, such as deep breathing or meditation, can help bring the focus back to the present moment, reducing future-oriented anxiety.

3. Psychosocial Stress

Psychosocial stress stems from social and psychological factors, such as work relationships, family dynamics, or financial pressures. 

Building a strong support system and nurturing positive relationships can be effective in managing psychosocial stress. Setting boundaries, both in personal and professional life, is crucial. Engaging in activities that bring joy and relaxation can also counterbalance the effects of psychosocial stress.

4. Chronic Stress

Chronic stress is persistent and can result from long-term issues like ongoing health problems, financial struggles, or work-related challenges. Managing chronic stress requires a comprehensive approach. 

Regular physical activity, a healthy diet, and sufficient sleep are foundational. Developing effective time management skills, seeking professional help when needed, and cultivating resilience through activities you enjoy can contribute to coping with chronic stress.

5. Good Stress

Not all stress is harmful; some stress, known as eustress or ‘good stress,’ can be beneficial. Eustress is the positive form of stress that motivates and energises individuals. It often accompanies exciting life events, such as starting a new job, getting married, or pursuing personal goals. 

To manage eustress effectively, it’s important to maintain a balance and prevent it from tipping into distress. Setting realistic goals, practising time management, and embracing challenges with a positive mindset can help harness the benefits of eustress without letting it become overwhelming.

Understanding the nuances of these stress types empowers individuals to develop the right skills that help them cope in a healthy manner. Professional guidance from psychologists, therapists, and/or digital therapy programs are critical ways of developing these skills.

By acknowledging stress as a universal experience, we take the first step toward building resilience. By recognizing and understanding different stress types, we can develop targeted strategies for managing the challenges that life inevitably brings – without sacrificing our mental health.

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Sources:

• Bienertova-Vasku J, Lenart P, Scheringer M. Eustress and Distress: Neither Good Nor Bad, but Rather the Same? Bioessays. 2020 Jul;42(7):e1900238. 
• Mariotti A. The effects of chronic stress on health: new insights into the molecular mechanisms of brain-body communication. Future Sci OA. 2015 Nov 1;1(3):FSO23. 
• Yaribeygi H, Panahi Y, Sahraei H, Johnston TP, Sahebkar A. The impact of stress on body function: A review. EXCLI J. 2017 Jul 21;16:1057-1072.

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Raksha Rajesh (M.Sc., M.Phil., CRR No. A80195) is a clinical psychologist licensed by the Rehabilitation Council of India (RCI). She has 5+ years of experience in helping people from diverse backgrounds build skills to understand and manage their emotions.

The difference between guilt and shame can be difficult to untangle, but it is this: Guilt is a very personal emotion caused by violating one’s unique moral or ethical code, while shame is a more socialised feeling, influenced by societal standards as well as our own. Let’s dig in!

Have you ever felt that heavy, sinking feeling in your chest after making a mistake or behaving in a way that doesn’t align with your values? But have you also experienced moments when you felt like you were inherently flawed, unworthy, and just wished to disappear from sight?

These two sensations are the building blocks of guilt and shame respectively, two powerful but often misunderstood feelings. Understanding the difference between guilt and shame is essential for not only improving emotional well-being but also for cultivating self-awareness, resilience, and personal growth.

What is guilt?

Guilt is an emotion that is typically associated with specific actions or behaviours. It arises when we recognise that we have done something that violates our own moral or ethical standards. Guilt is often described as a nagging feeling of responsibility for a particular event or situation. It is, in essence, a moral compass that helps us distinguish right from wrong.

Examples of situations related to guilt

• Cheating on a test: If you’ve ever cheated on an exam, you may feel guilty about it afterwards. The guilt stems from knowing that you have violated academic integrity and your own ethical standards.
• Lying to a loved one: When we lie to someone we care about, it can lead to intense feelings of guilt. The realization that you’ve betrayed their trust can be emotionally taxing.
• Breaking a promise: Failing to keep a promise can generate guilt. You feel responsible for letting someone down by not following through on your commitment.

What is shame?

Shame is a more complex response influenced more by societal norms. Unlike guilt, which is connected more to personal standards, shame is a pervasive feeling of worthlessness for not measuring up to societal standards. It’s a deeply ingrained belief that you, as a person, are inherently flawed, bad, or unworthy. Shame can be described as a negative judgement of your entire self.

Examples of experiences related to shame

• Public accidents: If a person vomits or loses control of their bowels in a public space, shame is a likely emotion, because most societies look down on public loss of control and consider excretions of waste a private act.
• Body image issues: Many people experience shame related to their physical appearance, often feeling inadequate or unattractive irrespective of their actual physical attributes when they compare themselves to societal beauty standards.
• Past trauma: Survivors of trauma, such as abuse or assault, can grapple with profound shame. Due to societal biases, they may feel as though they were somehow responsible for the events that transpired and are bad or weak for ‘letting’ them happen.
• Stigma and prejudice: Discrimination or prejudice based on race, ethnicity, sexuality, or other factors – often entrenched within a society – can lead to feelings of shame and make people question their self-worth.

When chronic guilt and shame combine

Guilt and shame can coexist, creating a distressing and self-reinforcing cycle. Chronic guilt may intensify feelings of shame, as ongoing remorse for specific actions can contribute to a deeper belief in one’s inherent unworthiness.

Conversely, a foundation of shame can lead to an excessive sense of guilt, even for minor transgressions, as individuals with low self-worth are more likely to interpret their actions as morally wrong.

The difference between guilt and shame

Understanding the fundamental difference between guilt and shame is the first step in effectively managing these complex emotions.

Guilt is prompted by violating one’s personal code of conduct, while shame is rooted more in societal standards. 

Guilt is also more likely to be tied to specific events. For example, if you’ve cheated on a test, your guilt is directly associated with the cheating incident. If you’ve told a ‘white lie’ to make someone feel better, you will likely feel less guilty than you would after cheating on an exam.

In contrast, shame is not confined to individual values, morals, or ethics; rather, it’s the result of those, plus societal judgement. Shame can be the result of specific events, or it can be a more general ingrained belief of inherent flaws, bad-ness, or unworthiness as a person. For instance, someone who has body image issues is likely to feel shame about their appearance –  a constant, underlying sense of unworthiness that isn’t linked to any single event.

How guilt and shame are similar

Guilt and shame are closely related. It is possible and even common to experience both at the same time. For instance, if you hurt a friend, you might feel both guilt, for being responsible and violating your own standards for friendship, and shame, because you violated societal consensus around how friends should be treated.

Also, guilt and shame are frequently accompanied by negative self-talk and an inner critic that constantly berates us for our perceived shortcomings. This internal dialogue further entrenches these emotions, making it even more challenging to break free from their grip.

How guilt and shame become chronic

Guilt and shame can become chronic if left unaddressed and unresolved, and when they do, they carry profound consequences for mental and emotional well-being.

How chronic guilt and shame affect mental health

When guilt persists without resolution, it can lead to chronic emotional distress. People living with ongoing guilt may find themselves plagued by anxiety and depression. The remorse felt alongside guilt can kick off a never-ending cycle: A person berates themselves for their guilty act, which in turn worsens their feelings of inadequacy and regret – prompting them to criticise themselves some more, etc.

Consider a scenario where someone has wronged a close friend but has not taken responsibility or sought forgiveness. Over time, the guilt may intensify, leading to increased anxiety as they grapple with the consequences of their actions. The longer they delay addressing the guilt, the more profound the impact on their mental health. Guilt may be expressed in the form of anger toward their friend, anxiety over the relationship, or depression.

Unaddressed shame can also have lasting repercussions. A prolonged sense of unworthiness can erode self-esteem and self-worth, making individuals vulnerable to various mental health issues. Those who suffer from chronic shame may struggle with forming healthy relationships and maintaining a stable self-concept.

Both guilt and shame can take a significant toll on our mental and emotional well-being. Guilt is often linked to anxiety, depression, and self-punishment. It can lead to a persistent inner critic, with thoughts of self-condemnation that contribute to a negative self-image.

Shame, on the other hand, can have a profound emotional impact on self-esteem and self-worth. It often results in a tendency to withdraw from social interactions and isolate oneself, perpetuating the belief that one is unworthy of connection and support. Over time, this can also lead to depression.

Dealing with guilt and shame requires a combination of self-awareness and proactive steps to manage these emotions effectively. Here are some strategies for addressing both.

How to deal with guilt

The following steps can make guilt easier to bear, or sometimes relieve it completely.

• Acknowledge and accept responsibility: Recognise the specific actions that led to your guilt. Taking responsibility is the first step toward making amends.
• Make amends: If appropriate, make efforts to rectify the situation by apologising, or offering restitution to those affected by your actions.
• Understand the source of guilt: Reflect on why you feel guilty. Is it because you violated your own moral or ethical standards, or is it due to societal expectations? Understanding the source of your guilt can provide insight into your values and beliefs.
• Seek forgiveness: Whether from others or yourself, forgiveness can be a powerful way to alleviate guilt and move forward.
• Forgive yourself: One of the most important steps in dealing with guilt is forgiving yourself. Understand that everyone makes mistakes, and guilt is a natural part of being human. Self-forgiveness is essential for moving forward.

How to manage shame

The steps below can help ease shame and challenge the thought patterns that contribute to the emotion.

• Recognise and accept shame: The first step in managing shame is to acknowledge its presence. Understand that shame is a normal, if uncomfortable, human emotion, and it’s okay to feel it at times. Accepting your shame is essential to begin the process of healing.
• Challenge negative beliefs: Challenge and reframe negative thoughts to create a more realistic and compassionate self-assessment. How might shame be leading you to make negative assumptions about yourself, others, or the world?
• Practice self-compassion: Treat yourself with the same kindness and empathy that you would offer to a close friend who feels ashamed. Self-compassion involves acknowledging your imperfections and forgiving yourself for your mistakes. Remember that you are not defined by your flaws.
• Practice mindfulness and meditation: Mindfulness and meditation techniques can help you stay non-judgmental and rooted in the present. These practices can assist in managing and reducing feelings of shame by promoting self-awareness and emotional regulation.
• Set boundaries: Establish healthy boundaries to protect yourself from situations or people that trigger shame. Learning to say “no” and prioritise your well-being is an essential aspect of managing shame.

How therapy can help ease chronic guilt and shame

In some cases, guilt and shame can become deeply ingrained, and self-help strategies may not be sufficient. If you find that these emotions are significantly impacting your life or peace of mind, seeking therapy, whether in person with a therapist or through a guided self-therapy program, can be invaluable. Professional help can provide a safe and supportive environment to explore the roots of these feelings and develop effective coping strategies.

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SOURCES:

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• Griffin, B.J., Worthington, E.L., Lavelock, C.R., Greer, C.L., Lin, Y., Davis, D.E., Hook, J.N. (2015). Efficacy of a Self-Forgiveness Workbook: A Randomized Controlled Trial With Interpersonal Offenders. Journal of Counseling Psychology, 62(2), 124-136.

• Hedman E, Ström P, Stünkel A, Mörtberg E. Shame and guilt in social anxiety disorder: effects of cognitive behavior therapy and association with social anxiety and depressive symptoms. PLoS One. 2013 Apr 19;8(4):e61713.

• Keng, S.L., Tan, J.X. (2017). Effects of brief mindful breathing and loving-kindness meditation on shame and social problem solving abilities among individuals with high borderline personality traits. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 97(1), 43-51.

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• Velotti, Patrizia, Garofalo, Carlo, Bottazzi, Federica, Caretti, Vincenzo. Faces of Shame: Implications for Self-Esteem, Emotion Regulation, Aggression, and Well-Being. The Journal of Psychology. 171-184. 2016.

• Zhang H, Carr ER, Garcia-Williams AG, Siegelman AE, Berke D, Niles-Carnes LV, Patterson B, Watson-Singleton NN, Kaslow NJ. Shame and Depressive Symptoms: Self-compassion and Contingent Self-worth as Mediators? J Clin Psychol Med Settings. 2018 Dec;25(4):408-419.

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Vidula V Sawant (M.A., M.Phil., CRR No. A80980) is a clinical psychologist with 4+ years of experience and a passion for understanding the complexities of our minds and behaviours.

Stress is a natural response to external or internal pressures and demands. In small amounts, stress can be helpful, motivating us to try new strategies or reach new limits. 

But too much stress can send us into “fight, flight, or freeze” mode, making it difficult – sometimes even impossible – to relax our mind and body.

Learning how to cope with stress can help us feel less overwhelmed and support our mental and physical well-being.

A simple technique to relax your mind from stress

The way we breathe is closely related to our levels of stress in mind and body. This is due to the fact that the vagus nerve, a command centre of sorts for the nervous system, links many organs, including the lungs, to the brain.

We can use this connection between mind and body to relax when we feel stressed out or emotionally overwhelmed. Studies show that breathing in a certain pattern can relax both mind and body, shifting us from a state of stress to one of calm balance.

This patterned breathing is known as box breathing (or square breathing, or four-square breathing). It is a simple yet effective relaxation technique to promote calmness and alleviate stress. 

The technique involves inhaling, holding the breath, exhaling, and then maintaining an empty breath-hold, each for an equal count of seconds, typically four or five. 

The technique’s rhythmic pattern helps regulate the breath and activate the body’s parasympathetic nervous system, specifically the vagus nerve, triggering a relaxation response. By consciously controlling the breath in this rhythmic manner, box breathing helps us manage stress and anxiety, lowers our heart rate, and promotes a sense of mental clarity.

Five easy steps to relax your mind from stress

Follow the pattern of breathing below. Repeat until two minutes have passed, or until your body and mind feel more relaxed.

Place one hand on your chest, to make sure it is not moving as you breathe. Place your other hand on your belly, to make sure you’re taking deep breaths. You should feel your belly expand and flatten every time you breathe in and out, respectively.

Step 1: Breathe in deeply into your belly (4 seconds)

Step 2: Hold your breath (4 seconds)

Step 3: Breathe out slowly and fully (4 seconds)

Step 4: Pause without breathing (4 seconds)

Step 5: Repeat

Watch the following video for a guided box breathing exercise:

Box breathing is a very versatile technique for relaxing both mind and body. It can be used as an emergency tool that helps us relax in the middle of a stressful situation or environment, or it can be practised daily to promote a calmer, more balanced state of mind and body.

Including box breathing in your daily routine, typically in the morning, is the best way to manage ongoing stress. Not only does it prepare our mind and body to handle whatever stress comes our way, it also helps us develop a strong habit of using this technique to relax the mind and body, leaving us more likely to reach for the technique whenever we feel overwhelmed.

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SOURCES:

• Balban MY, Neri E, Kogon MM, Weed L, Nouriani B, Jo B, Holl G, Zeitzer JM, Spiegel D, Huberman AD. Brief structured respiration practices enhance mood and reduce physiological arousal. Cell Rep Med. 2023 Jan 17;4(1):100895. doi: 10.1016/j.xcrm.2022.100895. Epub 2023 Jan 10. PMID: 36630953; PMCID: PMC9873947.
• Fincham GW, Strauss C, Montero-Marin J, Cavanagh K. Effect of breathwork on stress and mental health: A meta-analysis of randomised-controlled trials. Sci Rep. 2023 Jan 9;13(1):432. doi: 10.1038/s41598-022-27247-y. PMID: 36624160; PMCID: PMC9828383.
• Ma X, Yue ZQ, Gong ZQ, Zhang H, Duan NY, Shi YT, Wei GX, Li YF. The Effect of Diaphragmatic Breathing on Attention, Negative Affect and Stress in Healthy Adults. Front Psychol. 2017 Jun 6;8:874. doi: 10.3389/fpsyg.2017.00874. PMID: 28626434; PMCID: PMC5455070.
• Zaccaro A, Piarulli A, Laurino M, Garbella E, Menicucci D, Neri B, Gemignani A. How Breath-Control Can Change Your Life: A Systematic Review on Psycho-Physiological Correlates of Slow Breathing. Front Hum Neurosci. 2018 Sep 7;12:353. doi: 10.3389/fnhum.2018.00353. PMID: 30245619; PMCID: PMC6137615.

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Vidula V Sawant (M.A., M.Phil., CRR No. A80980) is a clinical psychologist with 4+ years of experience and a passion for understanding the complexities of our minds and behaviours.

Self-criticism means evaluating and judging yourself, often with a focus on perceived flaws, mistakes, or shortcomings. 

This negative internal dialogue can manifest in various ways, from second-guession your decisions and doubting your abilities to engaging in negative self-talk. 

Examples of self-criticism 

When self-criticism takes the form of negative self-talk, it might sound like: “I always mess things up,” “How stupid can I be,” or “I should have done better.” This version of self-criticism can also be called an ‘inner critic.’

More examples of self-criticism include:

• Perfectionism: Setting unrealistic standards for yourself and feeling a constant need to achieve flawlessness.
• Comparison: Measuring your worth against others’ achievements or external standards.
• Overgeneralisation: Drawing broad negative conclusions about yourself based on isolated incidents.
• Catastrophising: Magnifying the significance of mistakes or weaknesses until they become the worst possible disasters in your mind.
• Personalisation: Taking responsibility for external, negative events or blaming yourself for things beyond your control.

What is self-criticism

Everyone evaluates themselves to one degree or another; this action is healthy when it takes the form of self-reflection. Self-reflection is a curious, objective, and constructive review of yourself, your thoughts, emotions, and actions. 

However, self-criticism means evaluating yourself and finding yourself lacking. The tone of self-criticism can range from gentle chiding – “Why did I do that? I know better than that” – to severe and harsh judgement such as “Who could ever love someone as useless as me.”

How self-criticism develops

Self-criticism is typically a learned behaviour – we’re not born thinking poorly of ourselves. Instead, self-criticism has roots in our early childhood relationships.

A tendency toward self-criticism is often influenced by one or more of the following:  

• Parents who dismiss or invalidate children’s emotions
• Parents with high expectations for children’s excellence
• Parents who self-criticise aloud
• Strict religious upbringing
• Peer pressure to conform
• Demanding teachers, coaches, tutors, or mentors
• Anxious or perfectionist personality

Cultural influences, such as societal emphasis on success and perfection, can also contribute to the development of self-critical tendencies.

How self-criticism affects mental health

Self-reflection is healthy. And even a certain level of self-criticism can be motivating for many of us, propelling us to try harder, dig deeper, and achieve more. But over time, self-criticism can be profoundly damaging to mental health.

Persistent self-criticism contributes to and worsens low self-esteem, anxiety, and depression. It is closely linked to feelings of guilt, shame, worthlessness, and inadequacy. Continuous negative self-talk can create a cycle of self-doubt, leading to increased stress, diminished well-being, and less capability. Over time, we may become trapped in a pattern of self-sabotage, as our self-doubt becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy that hinders personal growth and fulfilment.

How self-criticism affects relationships

Specifically, self-criticism can spill over into our interactions with others, lead us to assume our loved ones critique us just as much as we judge ourselves, and ultimately strain relationships. We may become defensive, irritable, depressed, or anxious, and as a result, elicit the negative response from others that we expect. We may even withdraw socially, due to feelings of inadequacy or worthlessness fed by our inner critic, and become lonely and isolated.

Professionally, when negative self-talk leads us into a cycle of self-doubt, our performance can suffer, as we become less and less capable. We may self-sabotage by procrastinating, avoiding new opportunities, avoiding accountability, or suppressing new ideas. Relationships with colleagues and managers can become strained as a result, and over time, career advancement can stall.

Ultimately, negative self-talk can affect all of our relationships – personal, professional, and especially our relationships with ourselves. Extreme self-criticism over time can lead to self-neglect in the form of tolerating injustice towards ourselves, staying in emotionally unhealthy relationships, and refraining from asking for even the bare minimum we deserve.

How to manage self-criticism

Self-criticism can be a difficult habit to break. Many people try to simply ignore the negative voice, thoughts, and feelings about themselves. But two decades of research suggest the more we try to suppress a thought, the more we think it – an outcome called Ironic Process Theory in the field of psychology.

Additionally, our attempts to ignore or suppress negative self-talk requires effort, even if we don’t realise it. This effort puts additional strain on our cognitive load and leaves us with diminished cognitive capacity for our work, hobbies, and relationships.

Ultimately, the goal of recovering from self-criticism is to develop a balance – a more neutral, compassionate inner evaluation that provides a counterpoint to the instinctive judgement.

So, instead of effortfully suppressing or ignoring your self-critical thoughts, try:

• Replacing self-criticism with positive affirmations that regularly remind yourself of your strengths, accomplishments, and capabilities.
• Identifying your own values and setting your own realistic goals. Measuring your progress against someone else’s expectations or success can undermine your sense of achievement and self-worth.
• Setting boundaries to protect your well-being. Saying ‘no’ when needed keeps you from becoming overwhelmed and allows you to focus on priorities, reducing the likelihood of self-critical thoughts.
• Practicising self-compassion, that is, treating yourself with the same kindness, acceptance, and support as you would a friend who makes a mistake, struggles with a perceived flaw, or experiences a setback. (Learn more about practising self-compassion.)
• Reframing negative self-criticism into constructive self-talk. This means consciously observing your thoughts so you can notice a thought like, “I’m not good enough,” and reword it as “I am not feeling good enough,” which helps you separate what you think and feel from who you are. (Learn more about reframing negative thoughts.)
• Reminding yourself that you are not your thoughts. While recognizing and understanding your internal dialogue is essential, it’s equally important to detach your sense of self from internal self-judgement. Thoughts are simply thoughts; not every thought that passes through your mind is a fact.

Self-criticism can take a long time to recover from. Developing the counterbalance of a more neutral, accepting, and encouraging self-perspective takes time and practice. Therapy – whether a digital program or in-person sessions – can help you build strategies and skills that encourage this balance.

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SOURCES:

• Clark, Sarah. Coker, Siân. Perfectionism, self-criticism and maternal criticism: A study of mothers and their children. Personality and Individual Differences. Volume 47, Issue 4, 2009, Pages 321-325.
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Raksha Rajesh (M.Sc., M.Phil., CRR No. A80195) is a clinical psychologist licensed by the Rehabilitation Council of India (RCI). She has 5+ years of experience in helping people from diverse backgrounds build skills to understand and manage their emotions.

Clinical psychologist Raksha Rajesh, M.Sc., M.Phil., a Mitsu therapist, offers one small step to take for anyone who smokes when they’re feeling stressed — and wants to quit.

First, ask yourself: Are you feeling stressed and want a smoke to help you manage your stress? Or are you feeling stressed because you’re craving a smoke? It’s not a natural awareness, and may take several tries before you easily arrive at an answer.

Next, delay: Just do one thing before you go for that smoke — talk to a friend, go to the loo, or drink a glass of water. This gradually separates the act of smoking from the feeling of stress.

There’s a lot more to stopping a smoking habit, but taking even this one step can help you feel more empowered and in control.

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The information in this video has been vetted by:

Raksha Rajesh (M.Sc., M.Phil., CRR No. A80195) is a clinical psychologist licensed by the Rehabilitation Council of India (RCI). She has 5+ years of experience in helping people from diverse backgrounds build skills to understand and manage their emotions.